Drinking - An Idiot's Guide

The Sensible Person's Blindingly Obvious Guide to Alcohol in the 21st Century (Incomplete and Abridged)
Please note: The following is not necessarily from personal experience ;-)

In order to avoid the obligatory (painful and cringe-worthy) post-mortems following a night on the lash (and/or legal action, and/or death), it is strongly advised that you DO NOT :-

• Drive or operate machinery (i.e. switch on and attempt to steer anything that has an engine).


• Get roaring drunk in the company of your parents, in-laws, boss or work colleagues (especially if dancing is involved).


• Attempt to discuss serious matters or things that actually mean something to you, when steamin'. It will come out all wrong and you'll feel guilty as fuck.


• Get pissed with friends (no matter how well they know you) when very, very tired. Extreme tiredness + copious amounts of booze = dangerous twisted bullshit (your brain wasn't 'with it' to start with, so imagine what corkers you're gonna come out with once you've had a few).


• Get arse'oled on a first date (as vomiting in their lap might put them off)


• Attempt to dance in a sexy way after several pints of the OWB - you think you look great, but in fact you look like a complete tit. Tip - if you can't walk in a straight line, what makes you think you can dance?


• After an insane amount of alcohol, pick up some guy/girl and go back to their place to shag - chances are, you're gonna try to perform like a porn star to impress them, but you're likely to look ridiculous (Tip - if they're as drunk as you, you'll probably get away with it. However, something really embarrassing and/or disgusting could happen, e.g. puking whilst performing fellatio, farting whilst having cunnilingus performed on you, or falling asleep when your partner thinks he's giving you the best sex of your life.) Pause for hysterical laughter.


• Try to impress someone with your astonishing intellect (if you can barely remember where you live, what makes you think that you've got the wherewithall to discuss world politics, the theory of relativity or metaphysics?)


• Attempt to arm-wrestle someone who is considerably larger, and therefore stronger, than yourself. You will look like a prat.


• Initiate a 'square go' with members of the local football hoolies' organisation. You will lose.


• Divulge your most private sexual fantasies (especially to, or in the presence of, the person/s involved - this is an absolute no-no). However, one consequence of this is can be that you'll be 'cured' - as if speaking of it breaks the enigma.


• Read when hammered (you can't focus, so don't even try - it'll probably make you puke).


• Say things you don't mean and expect to get away with it, e.g. "I fuckin' loves you I do" when everyone knows you can't stand the fucker. People will just think you're shallow and full of shit.


• Rely on the fact that people won't remember what you've said/done, because everyone was pissed (if you remember in dribs and drabs over the next day/week, so will they).


• Keep repeating yourself - fuck me, you're dull (and you don't even know it).


• Get upset, coz you're pissed as a fart and blowing everything out of proportion, and cry like a baby in public (and worst of all, in front of your mates). NEVER, under any circumstances do this. You could regret it for years to come.


• Get totally smashed at a funeral and start loudly explaining your views about life after death (this will offend someone, if not everyone).


• Hint that you're fantastic in bed so that all your mates want to sleep with you (or you think they do).


• Start giggling in a ridiculous drunken girly fashion and ask your male friends how big their cocks are, and whether they're any good in the sack.


• Decorate your living room whilst heavily under the influence. It will look as though Rolf Harris had a seizure whilst holding a paintbrush. It will look like shit.

Comments and/or additions welcome

Quote of the Day:

Shake hands with a walking continent of common sense"
Tommy Vance talking about Geoffrey Boycott, in 'Brass Eye'